Grief... Those reactions that just keep coming on

A little humor to get you started

...

Grief,

that muli-faceted response to loss,

to the threat of loss at times

is indeed an opportunist

...

One that creeps up on you when you least expect it to,

when you are out there having a great day,

or

when you believe you have your feet planted firmly

going about your day.

It is particularly that which hits you in all spheres of your life

when you lose someone or something that you love.

We often will use

and

will think of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as she defined the five stages of grief,

but

now we are hearing from others who have defined more and different models

of grief.

They have given grief trajectoties, given categories of grief based upon the loss;

whether spouse, child, pet.

Whether grief was in the family of birth

or

family of choice

or

disenfranchised.

We continue to learn

from research, from science, from

those who study the complexity of grief

and

bereavement.

Workshops and seminars are now gaining popularity when categorized for professionals

on

"complicated grief and its implications".

As professionals attend to hone in on their skills in working with the bereft.

Kubler-Ross and her five stages that were developed is now being "debunked" through science, and the research of many,

including George Bonanno...

His model shows that the vast number of people who have experienced a loss do not grieve, but are resilient. The logic in his study being that is there is no grief, there are no stages to pass through!

Notice how it was worded that there is no grief, there are no stages to "pass through".

To me that is rather obvious

and

does not debunk Kubler-Ross

or her brilliance which was doubted in the last years of her life,

rather

it speaks to the study of one researcher and those he researched!

I believe it also speaks to the western world thought

which I have spoken to many times before;

"linear thought"

a clear cut beginning, middle and end.

In my learning,

and I do believe that life is a series of continual learning;

I have had the honor to work with thousands of people throughout the lifespan.

Those who were well, and those who were dying, along with those who were grieving.

Both individuals, groups, communities.

Lay persons and Professionals included.

Grief, while no one truly likes to talk about it, the masses are walking with it.

Chronic sorrow seeps into a persons

nervous system, on a cellular level,

into the heart, the mind and the very souls

of people walking after loss or those who bare witness to loss on a daily basis.

We have now seen through research

that stress and anxiety

have a marked dimished affect on the brains, and stress is often secondary to the grief that is experienced by threat of or very real and complicated grief.

I often will shake my head in wonder

at

conferences, and workshops defining

"complicated grief"

as over the years, it is seldom that grief is not complicated for the one that is grieving.

The existence of "complicated grief" is a current debate in the field of loss and grief,

along with a hot topic in seminars and workshops for those working in the field.

We continue to work toward a diagnosis category for complicated grief in the

DSM-V

which will make a natural reapons a patology and will result in clinicians being paid by insurerers (maybe) when seeking counsel or therapy. However I believe these people with this diagnosis are normal, and will need to have validation that complicated grief is indeed a normal reaction to their pain of loss.

Grief is pain

and

it is pain that is felt in the one

who has lost,

in the ones that know of loss

in an intimate and most moving way.

It affects all within.

And

once that person seeks someone to travel the uncertain journey of grief,

they too will be affected deeply.

There will be times

that they (friend/confidant/therapist/spiritual advisor)

will take the stories on

and will need to stand, to find ways to move the story through their bodies and minds.
There is no "quick fix"
and
many triggers may be activated along the path, many times others will not understand.
It is not their journey,
it is the journey of the one grieving
and
no one will understand it fully.
The fall out?
It can be tremendous,
from a view on a hill you can watch it.
You can see it played out across the country,
at kitchen tables,
in conference rooms,
in workplaces.
Hidden agendas, folks that talk one way and act another, lies, deceit, and triggers that will become activated but too painful to deal with truthfully.
Grief
is
an opportunist.
And folks just don't like to talk about it.
And to think,
many just want to be remembered,
many just want to talk about things,
but
are afraid of how they might be perceived
might be looked at
might wonder
are they safe
to tell it like it is.
Professionals and lay persons alike
grieve,
some grieve the way things were
and
still wonder why,
some grieve the greatest love
and
still wonder when
and
some choose to remember
choose to embrace life
and
just need someone to walk along side them,
to guide
to mentor
to hand them a few things they forgot in the toolbox of remembering

Walk In Beauty,

DRSES

www.sherryeshowalter.com

for speaking inquiries